blurredxedges

what the hell

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 06:55:58 GMT

am i completely unable to be happy? is there some secret law preventing me from being able to genuinely smile?

i think ive made the wrong choice in school, its virtually impossible for me to hold down any sort of relationship, i feel as though my best friend/other half and i are slowly growing apart, my family is moving ridiculously far away, i dont have the slightest idea of what i want to major in, and all of this grey area shit is pissing me off. i hate my job, i hate not having a social life, and i hate being forgotten by all my friends. i have so many thoughts about this right now that i cant possibly write them all down in one entry.

i think im headed toward a nervous breakdown. every time i start to think about all this i get panicky and short of breath, yet if i DONT think about it i may never resolve it and thats just as bad.

all i have to say is thank god for brandon. youve been a big help, mr kern, and not with just this. i owe you more than i will ever be able to repay. im lucky as hell to have a friend like you.

im going to sound like a sap/baby, but i dont even care - i just want somebody to hold me. not as a friend, parent, sibling, or lover. just somebody who i can talk to and have them understandlisten to everything i say and offer advice without my feeling as though theyre only doing it BECAUSE they are my friend/parent/sibling/lover. i think right now i really just need an ex. does that make any sense? one i havent talked to for a while, but with whom i still get along/am friendly.

i just hope my ex'es see this and feel like being kind.

"so its kinda like, 'hey wassup?' day today"

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 20:05:02 GMT

hi, my name is john and im a truant.

i called myself in sick to school today because

1.)my parents were out of town
2.)i really didnt feel like going

so i stayed home and napped all day. yesterday was great though. after i came home from school i went to denison and saw evan and met some more of his friends (i cant think of any other songs taryn. sorry). after eating with his friends we went on a quick tour of the campus and then hung out in his dorm until his recital (which, by the way, was amazing).

after that i came home, took care of the dogs, and then went to kroger. i seem to be spending entirely too much time there. every time i go its to see if the doctors office has called in my perscription yet. they still havent. finally i got tired of waiting and asked if there was anything else i could take while i wait. they gave me a two week perscription of some antibiotic or antibacterial thing. i dont know which it is, nor do i know how the hell its gonna help. whatever, at least i have some sort of medication they think will help. and if it doesnt i can always sell the pills on the black market and finally be able to afford my other porsche.

im washing my sheets right now. i woke up in the middle of the night last night in a cold sweat and found i had sweated through my sheets. ugh, i hate being sick.

school tomorrow (gag me with a spoon)
then work (gag me with a serrated spoon)
then its spring break!!!

so you know how i said i have ADD?

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 22:44:54 GMT

i just wasted the last........i dont even know how long it was, but all i did was play with colors in an attempt to make my page more appealing.

im sorry to say it, but i think i failed in that endeavor.

let me know what you think.

if you have any questions, comments, deep thoughts, new "yo momma" jokes, or insightful palm readings you may feel free to leave a comment or give me a call.

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 22:27:13 GMT

sidenote

i turn 18 two weeks from tomorrow. just letting you all know.

brake pads and breezes

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 22:24:06 GMT

i took my car to roush today for some servicing.

my "check engine" light was on, so i figured it was a good idea.

they spent an hour and a half working on my car.

they said they checked everything.

my "check engine" light is still on.

they said to ignore it.

oh well. its been on before and nothing was wrong, so i blame it on akward wiring in the engine.

however, if i die in a flaming ball of destruction while driving, my parents have excellent grounds for a lawsuit. almost makes you want to get out the old "pro-con" list, doesnt it? yeah, me too.

after that i kinda meandered my way back home and here i am, updating my journal when i could be napping. see what i do so you people can read all about my thrilling life? i give up sleep. i dont normally do that. and by "normally" i mean "ever."

oh, by the way

The Most Akward Moment Of The Day Today:

i saw a teacher at gallery hop saturday night. ive never had her for a teacher, ive never been one of her students. she stops me in the hall today and asks me how my boyfriend and i enjoyed gallery hop and would we be donating any more art to the next one. i stared at her before correcting her on a few things.

1.)hes not my boyfriend unless i missed a whole bunch of information/conversations

2.)we didnt donate art. im crap with clay/paint/caryons

3.)its akward to stop random strangers in the hallway and ask if they and their boyfriend will donate more art to gallery hop

4.)in general, its akward to stop people you dont know anywhere at any time

her response:

oh. well, my friends think hes cute. if you want to date him, you have our approval.

okay, lady. im so glad you feel the need to give me your approval to date people. i was really worried that you might not approve, since i know you so well and value your opinion and everything......

who does that?!?!

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 20:03:36 GMT

note to self

stop using "probably" in every other sentence.

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 18:08:46 GMT

yesterday was quite possibly one of the best days ever. my sister came home, i went and saw kerry at ruehl, i napped a lot, and then i went to gallery hop. that was probably the highlight of my weekend. i was going to go with some friends, but they all ended up cancelling on me so i didnt have anybody to go with.

actually, thats probably the best thing that could have happened to me. since i wasnt able to go with my friends, i ended up going with evan.

schedule of the evening:

went and picked evan up from denison
went downtown and gallery hopped for a little bit
stopped by cup'o'joe and drank outside
i saw 1 teacher, 2 managers, and a couple friends while sitting and drinking my coffee
continued gallery hopping until 10
took a walk in goodale park
went back to denison around 11:30
met some of evans really cool friends
took a tour of the dorm building with evan and taryn
sat and talked for a while
got home around 2 this morning

and here i am, updating my journal while pretending to write a paper for english class. i actually think im going to go put clean sheets on my bed and finish some other random household chores i have to do so i can take my siblings out to coffee.

does anybody want to go thrifting/costume shopping? i need to find something for a themed birthday party.

revelations, epiphanies, and breakfast

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 18:17:03 GMT

i decided to actually go back and read the journal entries that i wrote last summer. i must say, its amazing how much i and my opinions have changed. and, after comparing who i am now to who i was 9 months ago, i must also say that im very thankful i changed/was influenced to change. only a couple of you know exactly what i mean by that; you are the ones who were (and still are) my support system. i couldnt be who i am today without you.

so how do i tell you exactly how much what you did means to me?

i dont think i can. all i can say is.......thanks. i love you.

give me everything you got now...

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 22:04:06 GMT

its friday (thank whatever supreme being in which you believe)

no lab today, so i got to "sleep in" until about 7:30. cutting it kind of close, but i was tired.

school was, as usual, extremely boring. why dont they just exempt seniors from the last quarter of the year?

however, i was able to put together some sort of senior tag team. so far its going to be claire, sean, and myself. randall will hopefully say yes, but he doesnt know if hes playing yet. he should be calling me with his answer this weekend.

so i officially hate my doctors office. ive been waiting for almost 2 weeks to get a certain medication, and everytime i try there is some sort of problem that they should have fixed. hey guess what, northside internal medicine? IF YOU THINK I SHOULD BE TAKING A CERTAIN PILL TO IMPROVE MY HEALTH, DONT YOU THINK YOU SHOULD MAKE IT SO I CAN ACTUALLY GET THAT PILL?!?!

heretic viewpoint, i know, but im really getting frustrated.

oh, and i just found out that the gay guy who works at my bank is stalking me. he knows my name, height, weight (from my license), my social security number, how much i put in my account, how much i take out, what kind of car i drive, and the license plate.

freaky? yes, freaky.

and i decided not to call in to work today. they never need me when i have a call-in so i decided to save my minutes. to be frank, hollister really isnt worth it.

looking for plans for the evening. want to hang out? feel free to call. if you have the link to this then you can find my number.

you're like an old friend. one that i stuffed under my bed and forgot about...

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 02:43:40 GMT

HOLY SHIT, YO!!

its been an obscenely long time since i was last on here. it seems as though i want to get back into this thing, but i never have the time to get on here each day (roughly) and write about my life.

anyway, ive noticed some things of late. my usernames are REALLY emo. blurredxedges on LJ? gods_accident on myspace? good lord, i was such an emo/scene poser. luckily that phase is behind me and im just sticking with the music.

anyway, the point of an LJ is to talk about yourself and your life, right? well.......im boring and nothing ever really happens to me.

friends? love them, especially my best friend beth. she devotes song lyrics to me. i love you susanpants!

family? lets not even go there. my brother and sister are coming home for the weekend, so i will be trying my best to spend as much time as far away from home as possible. i like my family well enough, dont get me wrong, but i really just cant wait to live on my own. without them.

love life? basically its just an ongoing joke. ive had my ups and downs just like everybody else, but for once it might be nice to find a relationship that lasts or something. please feel free to let me know if im demanding too much.

but if any of you are thinking about trying out for the position of John's Significant Other, here are some things i like. you dont have to be all/any of them, its just a list of things to which i find i am attracted.

ºhave musical tastes congruent to mine. i absolutely refuse to talk to anybody who is addicted to rap/country/classical/jazz. i can only take those in small doses.

ºbe expressive when you talk. use any feature you can to accentuate your speech. i talk with my hands, face, eyebrows, and occasionally my terrible white-boy dance moves. you should too (but you can skip the dancing if you want, i really wont mind too much).

ºif your first question is about sex, we won't get beyond that point. why? because i won't answer you. little known fact- THERE IS MORE TO A RELATIONSHIP THAN SEX.

ºwork somewhere interesting. coffee shops, animal shelters, book stores all earn you bonus points. anywhere unexpected/out of the ordinary is cool.

ºHAVE OPINIONS. dont just agree with me because you want to get along well with me. people like that make me angry. i enjoy discussing/arguing (YES, there IS a difference. find out what it is before talking to me) things. i dont want to date somebody who is the complete opposite of me, but then again the world really only needs one john sweet. really.

ºgood smiles (used often) are amazing.

ºGRAMMAR. my mother was an english major and because of that i consider my grammar to be a cut above the average joe's grammar. it doesnt have to be impeccable (sp? remember, im a grammar whore, not a spelling whore), but double negatives and "me and my friends" are like nails on a blackboard to me.

ºdont be too perfect, otherwise i might start to doubt your sincerety/honesty/potential dateability.

ºbe random. normality bores me more than the weather forecast. lori and i enjoy talking about hunting orange koalas on the weekends. come with us next time!!

ºbelieve in something. be it god, the lack thereof, or yourself i dont care. just be a firm believer of SOMETHING.

ºenjoy going outside. dont ask me to go camping for 2 weeks or spend my summer hiking some obscure mountain range, but if you enjoy walking in parks or sitting on a beach you may walk to the front of the line. right now.

ºbe patient. even i will tell you i take some getting used to.

ºknow what you are worth, but dont be excessively full of yourself.

ºhave a vocabulary comparable to that of a college student, but dont use words nobody has ever heard of.

ºenjoy making out/kissing/holding me. im very adamant about that.

ºbe creative, be able to find something fun to do no matter where you are/who you are with.

ºcall me randomly. i hate being the one to always start phone/internet conversations.

ºend my streak of unhappy relationships. if you arent any/some/all of these things, i dont care. just end my lonliness.

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 22:50:31 GMT

today was great. i had my interview at abercrombie and i got a new battery for my phone.

actually its kind of sad that thats all it takes to make me happy...

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 14:19:25 GMT

my favorite quotes from swimming.

"jeff its really cold."

"i dont wanna do this."

"just shut up and get in the water."

"jeff its really cold."

"whats the IM?"

"jeff its really cold."

"hey look- amandas here!!"

"GET YOUR ASS OFF THE WALL, YOU SLACKER!!!"

"uummmmmmmmmm i have to get out at 8......."

"how'd your interviews go?"

"jeff its really cold."

"what the hell are we doing?!"

"ITS DESCEND, YOU FOOL!!"

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 15:59:18 GMT

swimming this morning sucked ass. it was cold as fuck and the pool was even colder. everytime we took a stroke our arms went numb. then jeff thought it would be cool to make us do a shit load of kicking, so our faces and backs went numb too. naturally jeff thought it was the funniest thing ever and didnt let us stop.

last night was pretty fun though- having dinner at damons with all that shit being thrown. and then there was the whole fiasco with the salt shaker and my water glass. but whatever. it was worth it and i had fun. sorry i couldnt go to the coliseum with you kerry. maybe you should give me more notice next time lol. that way i can bring a friend so i dont have to follow you and your girlfriend around the whole time while that group of strange girls grabs my ass every time i walk past them. as much fun as that was, im never going alone again. or without my glasses- im not much of a fan of being blind. but im still tired, so im going to go take a nap. again.

what can i say? i love my bed more than anything.

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 14:17:26 GMT

were you born to resist, or be abused? i swear i'll never give in... i refuse...

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 18:56:55 GMT

portswimmer48: mJSdgklufg .kzsdfhg bukjzfb jk.dfbjksdfhjkghdfnukgeasyfugbiuzdfy g wo4fyglaiekrh gkjsdbh aekfb ;idufhg
Hammyrat2000: thats so wang

claire = fantastic

"thats so vulgar"

"that was really grotesque"

"ive got my pencil out, ready to puncture any of those little bastards who get in my way."

SCHOOLS OUT BITCHES!!

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 16:34:14 GMT

so today was my last day of exams and im really relieved. i did alright in ap brit lit- an A overall and im happy with that. but in the last 24 hours i dont think ive ever had so many funny conversations.

"thats so westervelt"

"thats so smith!"

"THATS SO WANG!!!!"

lol claire youre great.....LETS GO RUNNING!!!

and of course i cant forget brunch today after exams with ashlee. that was great.

"what the hell are they laughing at?!"

"did somebody die over there?"

"people actually pray like that."

and of course all the pictures taken on your front porch. lol those are great!

"...sometimes i take off all my clothes and run around naked while screaming, "hey look at my new part-time job!!!" would that be ok for her birthday?"

"we cant show those pictures to anybody. im not 18 yet!!"

Mon, 30 May 2005 17:40:19 GMT

Last time I talked to you
You were lonely and out of place
You were looking down on me
Lost out in space

We laid underneath the stars
Strung out and feeling brave
I watched the red orange glow
I watched you float away
Down here in the atmosphere
Garbage and city lights
You've gone to save your tired soul
You've gone to save our lives

I turned on the radio
To find you on satellite
I'm waiting for the sky to fall
I'm waiting for a sign

And all we are
Is all so far

You're falling back to me
The star that I can see yeah
I know your out there, somewhere out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity yeah
I know you're out there, somewhere out there

Hope you remember me
When you're home sick and need a change
I miss your purple hair
I miss the way you taste
I know you'll come back some day
On a bed of nails I wait
I'm praying that you don't burn out or fade away

And all we are
Is all so far

You're falling back to me
The star that I can see yeah
I know your out there, somewhere out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity yeah
I know you're out there, somewhere out there

You're falling back to me
The star that I can see
I know your out there, ohhh
Your falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there, somewhere out there

Your falling back to me
The star that I can see yeah
I know your out there, somewhere out there
Your falling out of reach
Defying gravity yeah
I know you're out there, somewhere out there

You're falling back to me
I know, I know
You're falling out of reach ohhhhhh
I know...

______________________________________________________________

Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With a Lennon and Cobain and
A guitar and a stereo

And while he wishes he could escape this
But it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
In a song that has no soul

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

Oh, and Tina losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music, hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
Every calorie's a war

And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she’d never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

One day, you’ll have to let it go
You’ll have to let it go
No...
One day, you’ll stand up on your own
You’ll stand up on your own

Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are all innocent (you’ll have to let it go)
We are, we are (you’ll have to let it go, no..)

We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are, we are (you’ll stand up on your own)
We are, we are all innocent (you’ll stand up on your own..)

We are, we are all innocent

Our Lady Peace rocks. i have to get tickets for their next concert too.

Mon, 30 May 2005 02:38:03 GMT

i was sitting, waiting, wishing
you believed in superstitions
then maybe you would see the signs
but lord knows that this world is cruel
and i aint the lord no im just a fool
learning loving somebody
dont make them love you
must i always be waiting, waiting on you?
must i always be playing, playing your fool?

i sang your songs i danced your dance
i gave your friends all a chance
but putting up with them
wasnt worth never having you
maybe youve been through this before
but its my first time so please ignore
the next few lines because theyre directed at you
i cant always be waiting, waiting on you
i cant always be playing, playing your fool

i keep playing your part
but its not my scene
want this plot to twist
ive had enough mystery
you keep building it up
but then youre shooting me down
but im already down
just wait a minute
just sitting, waiting
just wait a minute
just sitting, waiting

well if i was in your position
id put down all my ammunition
id wonder why it had taken me so long
but lord knows that im not you
and if i was i wouldnt be so cruel
because waiting on love
aint so easy to do
i cant always be waiting, waiting on you
i cant always be playing, playing your fool

i am proclaiming my love for jack johnson's music. next time he comes to columbus im getting tickets.

(614) 747 2013

Sun, 29 May 2005 20:26:12 GMT

i hope that when the world comes to an end, i can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.

Donnie Darko = best movie EVER

Fri, 27 May 2005 19:22:17 GMT

06 bitch. 06.

05 was a fad, available for marketability. and like all fads, it has passed. make room for 06 cuz were gonna rock.

but i must say lunch today was obnoxious as hell and i loved it. conversations were something like this:

"dude why did they take out the ice cream machine?"
"BECAUSE YOU TOUCH YOURSELF IN THE NIGHT!!"

"slurpees are 50 cents!"
i spaz out and literally run to the lunch line. there was some freshman in my way so i swatted him out of the way. he looked at me like i was an asshole (i mighta been but it was for a 50 cent slurpee) and all i said was "05 is out. i rule this school now bitch." the lunch lady clapped for me.

and now i guess i have to get ready for work. i really dont like working at panera. but its a paycheck until i find something else. after work i have to stop at after hours and get my tux (yeah--at like 9 in the evening. are they even open that late?? im skipping the closing rituals so i can get that tux). then who knows? you better call me with plans.

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